The giving of compliments is very important to me. I really like to do it well, but I have found it hard to get it right on demand, as frequently as I would like. The mixology cycle of collecting, mixing and surfacing, have helped me get the compliment right more often than I used to.
Disclaimer: I am treating the case where the compliment is well motivated, well intentioned and sincere. How do I know when a compliment is well motivated, intentioned and sincere? I find subjective evaluations best: it is the compliment that I really want to get right for the sake of the other person; the compliment for which I will kick myself if I don't get around to saying it; and the compliment that I value so much that I will feel it a shame if I get it wrong. It is the compliment that I am excited about giving: if I get it right, I feel great!
Here are some things that I want in my compliments.
I want the compliment to be truthful, at least from my perspective.
I would like it to be useful to the person: "As someone who has spent some time with you, I want you to know how cool it was when you did X. You're good at that!"
I want the compliment to be a gift to the person I am giving it to, transparent and without strings. I don't want the compliment to create a dependency, a power dynamic, or to win me the "right" to judge the person in the future. "Only I really see you! I am your source for compliments, of self-esteem! You should keep impressing me."
I would like the compliment to avoid being reflexive or to trigger reflexive compliments in return: "You just complimented me. Now, here's YOUR compliment. Now I don't owe you anything, we have just traded compliments."
I would like time to consider the compliment, so that I can sit with my motivations, think about my accuracy, and to shape it for transparent clarity.
I would like the act of complimenting to be inoffensive. I might blurt a compliment out and it might turn out to be the wrong time, wrong way of saying it, wrong emphasis, wrong cultural packaging. "I have just made them uncomfortable. It was the wrong timing and I've triggered shyness, a feeling of emotional dept, or cultural defensiveness."
I want the compliment to avoid forcing untruthful reciprocity: "I'd like to return the compliment he just gave me, but it wouldn't really be true, I don't think that about him. I wish he hadn't said anything. Awkward!"
I want my compliment to avoid condescension. "I am complimenting you about X because I am someone who knows X so well that I can tell when someone like you is getting it right!"
In all of these cases, and more, I find that that the Mixology Cycle helps me give the kinds of compliments that I want to give. It is a great showcase for the Mixology Cycle in general. Here is what I mean:
Collecting:
In mixology, all collecting, whether seashells or compliments, includes observation and recognition. Saying "THAT is an awesome seashell" is like saying "I saw what you just did and I think it was awesome!" "I recognize the value of what you just did there... so cool."
Collecting is often serendipitous and at least a little random. "I wasn't really thinking about you but I just happened to see you do X!"
Collecting is private and follows the collectors values.
In the case of collecting seashells: "This is a great seashell in my opinion; I am picking it up and I'll do something with it later. My brother thinks it's a stupid shell, but I don't care. I don't really know why I like that shell but I'm keeping it!" In the case of compliments: "I am so impressed with what that person just did, but I'm not completely sure why. I'll think about it on my own before I say anything – maybe I won't say anything until the time is right!"
Mixing:
Many engines of mixing can be applied to our collections of compliments.
The passage of time: What do we remember of the compliments we gathered? I can only remember a kind of random set. Will my memory of the compliment be triggered, brought to mind, by some random event in the future? "That just reminded me of when you did X. I was so impressed!"
Changing perceptions of value: "I saw you do X awhile ago and I've tried to do that more too! It worked!" The value to me has changed because I did something with it.
Conscious mixing through random selection: "I'd like to say something to this person as an act of random kindness. Here are a few things I've noticed. I'll pick this one now. They'll never see it coming! I'm excited."
Surfacing:
When I "give" the compliment, I am "surfacing" it.
Some benefits of surfacing compliments with Mixology cycles:
Proof of attention: "Thanks for the compliment! But how in the world did you remember when I did that. I don't even remember that."
Evidential sharing: "I guess I did do that. I forgot about it. I guess I am the kind of person who does that sometimes! Thanks."
Uniqueness: The compliment comes from ME. It was collected by me, mixed by me, and is now being surfaced by me. "Hey, I can say this because you know I see you, and maybe I am the only one who has seen you in exactly this way."
It inserts a passage of time, a space for consideration at several points: between collecting, mixing and surfacing. For example: If I want to avoid power dynamics, they might shift naturally over time.
“I was going to tell you this last year, but I was your manager then and I thought you might think I was just buttering you up. Now I'm not your manager, and I want you to hear it, person to person.”
concept fields: [surfacing (mixology), Mixology Cycles, collecting (mixology), mixing (mixology), social lives of infinite systems, praise, art of the compliment, mixing processes, time, time as mixing engine, honesty, observation]
If you would like to reference this page, here is an APA Style citation:
Smith, T. (2026). The Art the Compliment - Mixology. Small-Infinities. https://small-infinities.com/surfaces/collecting-seashells-mixology